Sometimes, I don’t feel like I am good enough.
More times than not.
Sometimes, I feel that what I am personally best at, is not even average in the Big Bad World.
But I carry on. Because life goes on. Life will pass me by, mercilessly. So I mask my insecurities and doubts and cover them up with a smile – because that is all I can control. sometimes, I get exhausted. So I stop, take deep breaths and cry. Let it out of my system. And I won’t say that I just dust myself off after a setback and carry on like nothing has happened – after all, feeling inadequate hurts. A lot. But I try to remember what the greatest teacher in the world told me. He has been my guru of sorts (though I am pretty sure he doesn’t know that), since I was in sophomore year of college. He once said, “Fear keeps you small.” Now, maybe this quote is plagiarized. I do not know. But, he said it with such conviction and sincerity, that I attribute this quote to him.
And he said this exactly three days after I had had the biggest setback to my sense of self esteem. I had messed up my monologue performance. Which pretty much felt like the end of the world to me.
And then he said this. And he said it not to me, but to a class of 38 students. But it didn’t matter. He went up to the board and wrote it down there. And I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with something. I am still not quite sure what, exactly. And I felt tears spring up in my eyes. I wasn’t exactly crying – I just felt choked up – perhaps in a good way.
I still doubt myself. I give up – I am not perfect. Life doesn’t work that way. But I try. Try hard to remember.